Ash-isms

(You can't make this stuff up.)


Asher's vocabulary list, age 2:

Packinaise - pack away (as in, "let's packinaise the toys")

Chicken mungets - chicken nuggets

Feetballs - meatballs

Rony - macaroni

Skebby - spaghetti

Sheep - cotton balls

Exeskater - excavator

Axiskint - accident

Sunscream - sunscreen

Asher's vocabulary list, age 3:

Hoopa loop - hula hoop

Spagebby - spaghetti

Tomato - tornado

Wasanya - lasagna

Destructions - instructions

Skeeto - mosquito

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I had bought a new curling iron one day. Asher asked what it was for, and I told him it would make my hair curly. This fact got a little jumbled over the course of the next hour, so later when he saw it again he informed me, "This is for making you hairy."

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Asher on car upgrades:

"Mommy, this car has rocket roosters on the back to make it go really fast!"

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Asher on theology:

"Is Darth Maul a sinner?"

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Asher on not breaking the law:

"The 'speed lemon' tells you how fast you are allowed to go."

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Asher on compliments (Vol. 1):

"Here's a flower for your hair, Mommy, so you can look like a real girl!"

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Me, explaining the Pledge of Allegiance: "One nation - that means all Americans - under God, indivisible, with liberty and-"

Asher: "I wish I was invisible."

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Asher, walking into his grandparents' house for the millionth time: "Nice place you got here."

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Me: "What a beautiful sand castle you made!"

Asher: "It's not finished yet. It's still loading."

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Asher: "What did people live in for houses in the Flintstones' times?"
Me: "Well, some people lived in caves, and some people lived in tents and traveled around."
Asher: "No, I mean, like, you and Daddy."

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Asher: "Guess what, Mommy! I made my bed!"
Me: "You did?!"
Asher: "April Fools!" Then, shaking his head: "I can't believe you fell for it!"

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Asher on the bottom line: 
"Daddy, I don't like it when you have to go to work. But you have to make money so we can do fun stuff."

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Asher, while watching an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: "I don't think Mickey Mouse is very smart, because he NEVER knows which mouseketool to use."

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Asher: "Can I have some dessert?"
Matt: "What's the magic word?"
Asher: "Abracadabra."

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Me: "So can you tell me some of the different types of animals? There are mammals, reptiles..."
Asher: "Birds. Water animals."
Me: "Yes. What else?"
Asher: "Zombies."

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Asher: "Is it okay if monkeys are alone?"

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A conversation during school today:
Me: "Remember the name of the people we talked about yesterday? They were warriors who lived in a cold place a long time ago and sailed on longships."
Asher: "Ummm...."
Me: "Here's a hint: When we were in the Norway section of Epcot we rode a ride about them."
Asher: "Space Mountain?"

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Asher, eating Shark Bite fruit snacks: "Why are they called 'GREAT white sharks'?"
Me: "Because 'great' also can mean 'big', and they are very big."
Asher: "Wait a minute - you mean great white sharks are REAL? They're not just snacks?!"

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Asher on fine art: 

"Have you ever seen that picture? You know, the one called 'Yoda Lisa'?"

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Asher: "Sorry, Mommy, I touched the dvd and now there's paw prints on it."

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Asher on the miracle of life as shown on an ultrasound image: 

"Ewww. It looks like a jellyfish."

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Me: "What's America's national bird?"
Asher: "The bald evil."

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Asher on compliments (Vol. 2):

Me: "My feet are going to look pretty after my pedicure today."
Asher: "That's good because they don't look very pretty now."

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Asher: "I really want to go to kindergarten."
Me: "We'll start kindergarten in August."
Asher: "No, I mean I want to GO TO kindergarten. With all the rides."
Me, confused: "Huh?"
Asher: "Wait a minute... not KINDERgarten... I meant BUSCH Gardens!"

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Asher on the circle of life: 
"Wolfs like to eat pigs because they're made out of bacon."

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Asher on the power of marketing: 
"Mommy, listen. Don't just vacuum clean; Resolve clean. Do you think you can do that?"

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Asher on compliments (Vol. 3): 
"Mommy, I love you!"
Me, appreciatively: "Thanks, Asher! I love you, too!"
Asher, to his lunch: "I love you, chips! I love you so much! Let me kiss you!"

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Asher on handling pet allergies: 

"Daddy, maybe if you go away on a vacation - like forever - we could get a kitty!" 

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Asher on anatomy: 
"Does Mickey Mouse have an adam's apple?"

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Asher on the power of marketing (Vol. 2): 
"Mommy, why should you get Glad, not mad?"

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Me: "Come on, Asher, it's time to get dressed."
Asher: "Reporting for pants duty, sir!"

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Asher on Creation: 
"Chuck E. Cheese made all the games at his place, but you know what? God made Chuck E. Cheese."

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Asher on prehistory: 
"Do any dinosaurs fly?"
Me: "Yes; a kind called Pterodactyls could fly."
Asher: "What about Bear-odactyls?"
Me: "I don't think there were Bear-odactyls."
Asher: "Yes there were!"
Me: "Okay then - what did they do?"
Asher: "They just danced."

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Asher on omniscience: 
"How does God see everything at the same time? Does he have special goggles?"

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Asher, gently touching the new presents I put under the Christmas tree last night: "Hmmm... this one feels like dinosaur bones... this one feels like balloons... this one feels like a tree... and THIS one feels like a metal detector!!"

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Asher on organization: 
"If you want to carry important stuff, you should put it in your broofcase. Or you can keep it in your car in the glove department."

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Asher on time management:
"Mommy, when are they going to bring my pasta?"
Me: "Don't worry, it will be here in no time."
Asher: "Time is money."

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Me (explaining to Asher how 'hip hip hooray' works): "I would say, 'hip hip' and then you would say, 'hooray'! You do that if you're happy about something or cheering for something. So are you ready? HIP HIP..."
Asher: "Boooooooo.""

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Asher: "Is Santa Claus strong?"
Me: "What?"
Asher: "Is he strong? Could he carry a basketball hoop to our house?"

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Yesterday as we drove out of town, we passed City Hall and noticed hundreds of chairs set up in the grass. Asher saw them and asked about them. I said the chairs were there so lots of people could sit and watch some kind of important event. Asher said, "Yeah, like a puppet show!"

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Asher just cleaned off his outdoor toys. He came in, handed me his towel and told me, "After you clean something, you say 'Wow, just look at that shine!'"

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Yesterday Asher built a castle out of his blocks. Then he told me 3 dragons lived there. I asked him what the dragons' names were. He thought for a minute and said, "Naughty Man, Broke, and Cactus."

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Asher: "I wish I could have a jet pack. Then I could fly to Grandma and Grandpa's house."
Me: "Where can we get a jet pack?"
Asher: "At the jet pack store."
Me: "Where is that? Is it in town?"
Asher: (silence, thinking) "No. It's a secret and I can't tell you."

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After saying "Asher, please don't touch that" and "Asher, please stop doing that" about a million times today, Asher stretches out on the couch, dramatically puts his head in his hands and says in a very tired yet calm voice, "Mommy, you are making me crazy."

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Asher on compliments (Vol. 4):
"Mommy, you are good at taking big bites!" 

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Me: "Want cereal for breakfast today?" 

Asher: "Yes! I'll have Lucky Charms and some regular charms." 

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Asher, sitting on the floor with a bag of cookies while our two dogs are staring into his face, waiting patiently for a crumb to drop: "Mommy, look how much the dogs like me!"

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Asher: "Winning is everything, you know."

Me: "Actually it's not."

Asher: "So what is? Looking cool?"

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A lady at church gave a lovely children's message about honoring your father and mother. She explained that when children obey, it makes God and their parents very happy. Then, trying to make a point, she asked, "So what would be something you could do for your mommy to make her happy on Mother's Day?"

Child 1: "Obey!"

Child 2: "Give her hugs and kisses!"

Asher: "My mom wants jewelry."

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Asher's kindermusik teacher: "Can you all tell me the names of these wind instruments?"

Boy 1: "Clarinet!"

Girl 1: "Flute!"

Asher, pointing to the oboe: "The hobo!" 


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Asher: "A carrot would not make a good shield. A bunny might steal it."

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Asher: "I got everything I wanted!"
Me: "You are a very, very lucky little boy."
Matt: "Yes you are. You know, there are a lot of children in the world who don't get anything at all for Christmas."
Asher: "Yeah. Naughty children."

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Grandma: "Asher, I heard you were sick last night! I hope you're feeling better."
Asher: "Yeah. It was the first time I ever barfed."

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Asher: "I sure wish I had something to hit these tennis balls with."
Me: "What about your bat?"
Asher: "I don't have it anymore. It's lost in the bushes."
Me: "Well how did it get in the bushes?"
Asher, after a pause: "It's not ALWAYS my fault, you know."
Me: "Okay, then who put it in the bushes?"
Asher: ......
Me: "I guess it must have been a ghost then, if you didn't do it."
Asher, deadpan: "Ha. Good one, Mommy."

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Me: "...and so you can tell how old trees are by counting the number of rings on the stump. Isn't that cool?"
Asher: "Did you say 'cheese'?"

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In the car I noticed Asher in the back seat admiring himself in the mirror. I looked at him and laughed, and he put up his hand and said, "Mommy, please just concentrate on the road."

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Asher: "Mommy, why do you ALWAYS eat all your breakfast and lunch?"
Me: "Because I love to eat."
Asher: "Just like the hobbits in Lord of the Rings!"

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Asher, looking at a sign hanging on the wall at T.G.I. Friday's: "What does that say?"
Me, reading it aloud: "Beach Park Patrol. No bums admitted."
Asher covers his mouth and starts giggling.
Me, realizing why: "Not THAT kind of bum - not like buns. They're talking about a different kind of bum, like a type of person who is lazy."
Asher, suddenly serious: "Don't talk about buns at the table."

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Asher: "Lava is so hot that it could pop popcorn."

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Me: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Asher, browsing the cereals: "I guess I'll have some Lucky Nut Cheerios."

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Asher: "Mommy, you're not the best driver ever, but you're pretty good."

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Today my impatient Asher rushed through a school coloring assignment and did an uncharacteristically messy job in order to finish quickly. I made him do it again correctly, and while he was working on his second attempt he said, "Mommy, I'm happy to tell you that I'm going to lower my naughtiness level from now on."

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Asher: "Imagine if, instead of a daddy, I had a parrot as a dad."

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Me: "See? Yellow and blue make green."
Asher: "Yeah. And you know what else makes green?"
Me: "What?"

Asher: "The green crayon."

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Asher: "Grandma, this dinner is delightful! It must have taken you a few minutes to make it!"

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Me: "I just have to get a Diet Coke and then we can go."
Asher, sighing heavily: "Mommy, you have GOT to stop drinking!"

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Asher, after watching a commercial for Mr Lid containers: "I think I will buy those when I'm a grownup. I could put a banana in there."

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